so I will do until you find someone else.

you are with me for convenience.

you talk to me everyday, have sleepovers, go out together.. yet, we aren’t “talking” or together or dating.

you want me around, you want me to love you, you want the best of me, but I get nothing in return. you can never confirm your feelings or help me with mine.

why is it that you run away from serious conversations, or feel “uncomfortable” talking about things. yet you are ambiguous and pretend you hide no lies. so comfortable in your skin.

the truth is, I want you to be around. I want your friendship.. I don’t need you. I don’t need your lust. you alway make the first move, you always engage.. I don’t get it.

you’ve never been unkind or mean, you’ve tolerated my roller coaster of a life, and that you’re still around after 6 months. even after you came home from Hawaii and met someone else.

why is it I still feel lucky to take you home ? I don’t even think I want to be with you but I still want you. you’re nothing like me, you don’t want anything I want out of life.. I guess you will suffice until I meet someone better..I’m worried that when I do meet that person, will I be willing to give you up? even if our relationship is so backwards.

so ugh, went to my first strip club… with the guy I’m kind of seeing, my father figure, and his brother in law and niece……

lets just say, it was fully nude and collin and I got a couples lap dance..

tell me what its like to live care-free and happy.

chapter 10.

i can’t see out my windshield

and it’s dark outside

driving is 80% visibility but its 100% blurry inside

these tear drops hit my seat belt 

and i close my eyes and i wish i’d just wake up

from this nightmare

and realize

the light changes green &

my dashboard tells me i’m running low

i wish my mind could do the same thing

i dont know which way to go

green means go but i dont know where

so i put in the clutch 

& speed down main,

this wrecklessness is driving my insane

not the traffic, or the shitty weather

but i know i’ve done this before

same shit all the time

you think you’d learn

take me for granted babe cause 

you know i’ll come back for more

this way of life is not the path i want to take

but i’d risk it all for our relationship’s sake

because i see you in the most authentic light

fuck drugs, fuck money

they’re not the love you lay down with at night

or the face you wake up to

or that feeling that you get

I’M REAL, LOOK AT ME 

but you take everything that you can get

and leave me here exhausted and alone

did you forget?

the way i touched you

or the way we kissed

are drugs and friends

REALLY MUCH BETTER THAN THIS

i brought on the rain

when i stormed out the door

so this is it, this is goodbye

i can’t do this anymore

i can’t see out my windshield

cause its raining on the inside

for the last time.

why can’t i get her out of my mind? 2 years have passed and i still can’t.  i can’t explain it, the hatred, the grudges.  ugh, i can’t even start to explain.  it’s disgusting how much our lives cross.  it was him, he was the one that did this to me. i loved him so much, it hurt to see her try to ruin us, even if she didn’t succeed. carol was her name, and god, did i fucking hate that name.  every time i hear it, i get a cringe in my eye and my heart turns bitter.  still to this day, i try to demolish her life in any fraction.  i blame her for ruining us, she even tried to ruin our friendship before we even started dating.  selfish, stuck up, rich bitch.  the stupid little things used to piss me off, their friendship was ridiculous.  texting him when your around his dorm at 2 a.m? pathetic, especially when i was laying next to him when it happened.  he never responded and i got pissed because she didn’t stop after that, but i think it is because he just felt bad.  her life isn’t as glorious as she cracks it up to be.  it’s pathetic to show how empty you life is with how much money your parents have.  the only thing we shared in common personality wise, probably was jealousy.  i can give her props to that much.  but for so long, i envied her money.  when i realized that, i knew what i was going through was silly.  it’s just a bank statement, another shiny toy to play with;  this was high school stuff, baby mama drama.  i don’t know what it is. i realize the stupidity of the situation but yet i still hate her.  i almost ran her over once, then i thought she would sue me with all her money, and just like that, she’d win.  fuck… i don’t know how i’ll settle this, but he’s gone still. and not even running her over will make me feel better that he’s not’s coming back.

i toss, i turn, i surf, i sleep, but only for a moment.  then i wake up and your memory haunts me.  my mind wanders when i’m alone in bed, maybe that’s why i use to love his company.  someone else to worry about, someone else to please, because it was easier then to deal with my own problems, my own worries.  i toss, i turn, i sleep, i wake.  it’s on repeat, just repeat.  there is no shuffle, there is no next, just repeat.  god, when will this go away?  this emptiness, this longing for your touch.  it’s been so long, i replay it in my head to create a synthetic emotion, one that tricks me into thinking you are still around.  but my body is learning, it is becoming immune to it.  no more tricks, i want the real thing, the real you.  i want something.  maybe i’ve been starving for you for so long, i’ve forgotten the sweet taste of others.  i deny the taste, the bittersweetness of someone else, and when it’s gone, and only then, do i crave the bitterness of it all.    

because i’m an idiot, that’s why i gave in.  i was doing so well up until now.  i wasn’t vulnerable, i’ve had invitations for a good fuck.  why me?  why’d you choose me?  i thought it was out of admiration or some bullshit you told me.  i don’t know if i can believe you.  i don’t know if let myself believe you, or if i made myself believe it.  how stupid of me!  i’m clearly going bonkers.  you fed me all this really fucking adorable shit.  how i was beautiful, and how you’d be mine if the time was right, or how you enjoyed kissing me and wanted to be by my side. it was stupid of me to do so, but above all you are still a good friend.  someone i know i can count on.  but god you were it.  you were the game, the flirt, the handsome one, the perfect man, the clever scholar, the passionate musician; you were the treasure every girl hunts for.  i found it but it was not mine to keep.  more like it was there, then with the tide, it was gone.

i couldn’t feel anything yet.  we had already been swimming around the beach for about 45 minutes now and that stupid safety break was a bitch to deal with.  i asked the lifeguard why we had to do that every hour on the hour.  she retorted with, “it’s so the fucked up one’s don’t drown,” it made sense to me.  walking back to my towel i kept hearing my name.  why the fuck is everyone talking about me?   haha, then i realized we were on a beach.  i get it all the time, no one want’s a sandy vagina, or something stupid like that, and everyone looks at me.  yeah, my name is sandy. hardy har, but this time it was funny.  “it started” he said.  “that’s when you know you’re rollin’, stupid shit you think it’s funny, it the smiles, or the giggles.”  there i was standing on the edge, “fuck fish, i’m not afraid of them”  my friend had been trying to freak me out, saying the fish will eat me and nip my toes.  i swear they were huge, and i didn’t think it was so funny.  what a cruel joke to play on a rook.  

it’s been a long time coming, but the time is here.  you will be gone in a matter of days, with a one way ticket to a city of dreams.  these past few weeks, you’ve brought friends together, created friendships, and rekindled old ones.  the people that you’ve grown apart have reached out to show their support for you.  it’s quite the dream, the one ya got.  who doesn’t dream to share their passion with others?  i can relate to that and i’m sure the best of us can too.  so many good times we have had!  it’s going to be something to get used to around here, especially with our friends.  our oddly knit circle of friends.  you’ve got the really close ones, the bonds of friendship no one could break.  there are the companions that are found and start to become one of the regulars, the ones that keep the circle growing.  and then you’ve got the stranglers, the acquaintances, and simply put, the unwanted; welcome in body, but not in spirit.  we’re just like any other circle of friends.  territories, relationships, and stories.  

“are you kidding? there are kids in your living room blowing coke and all you’ve got to say is you don’t care?”

that’s how it started.  the equation of you + me + drugs = our relationship.  i saw the progress over time. 2 years ago, this was not you; i can bet any organ in my body that, that wasn’t you.  that boy staring me in the face telling me he didn’t care about that shit.  ”i would never do it, it, it’s selfish, and only causes a fake happiness, but i don’t care.”  before this, him and i were apart for about half year. no talking, no seeing, no hanging, no anything.  turns out, he fell into the drug culture while i was gone.  i’m not around for 6 months and this is what happens? jeeze, i thought this boy was done with his tricks.  but no, i was wrong.  

-dealing weed? YOU’RE RICH!

- fucking with molly? you’re better than that

- acid, 6 times in 6 months? for no good reason? you’ve crossed the line

or so i thought.  

i found out he was dealing shrooms while we were dating, and  when i called him out on it, he denied it.  he’s a liar too folks, he has other tricks too.  i was about done with this whole new person.  weed was one thing, but the audacity to tell me cocaine was okay was just absurd.  i went bonkers… after that i started to explore drugs, not the use of it, the idea of it.  and that’s how it started.  that’s what led me to try acid.  and on the perfect day, and the perfect time in my life, i did it.  i liked it, i didn’t love it and especially not to the extent i hear around town.  i loved the giggles and i loved the illusions.  but i realized it’s nothing you can’t see on your own. things like that aren’t for regular use.  i liked it, and i will do it again; but i’ll do it for the right reasons.  not because i’m bored with my life, or i want to see trippy shit, but because it was a good time to.  all these people make stupid excuses for doing drugs.  i came, i saw, i liked, but i don’t want or need. i still don’t know how you fell into the abyss.  i came in there looking for what lured you in, but i’m sorry.  i didn’t see it.